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This afternoon I was thinking about how I haven't blogged in a while and I was making mental notes of what I could blog about. I was going to be all profound and reflective about thoughts and stuff that's going on in my life. And now, here I am tonight and my brain is a little more than uncooperative. I have been struck lately by just how much I have going on mentally. I am trying to stay afloat in my classes and juggle two jobs, oh yeah, and figure out what the heck I am going to do with my life. The closer I get to Nursing School being a reality, the more scared I get. The program is going to throw me down and whip me. I am struggling with one class. Much less 6 more of them plus clinicals. I don't know what I will do about money since we are not allowed to work. And then there is still the possibility that I won't even get in. And then what? I will have all these credits that do nothing for me and two jobs that are going nowhere. I have done things in my life that I have been scared of and I am not one to back down from it, but I am just trying to find a place for all the stress. My body feels it before my mind does. And today my body told me I am stressed. What I wouldn't give for a pair of arms to come home to at night. If you have some, you are lucky.

I stood behind a very good looking man today in Taco Bell. His league is on a whole other planet compared to me. But man, I sure did enjoy looking, you know when I was trying to be all coy, like I didn't care how amazingly perfect he was. He was my ideal. And I am sure he knows he is a good lookin' fella, but isn't it weird how he was just buying his lunch and he turned out to be someone's ideal? I mean, is it possible that I was standing in front of someone in line at Taco Bell one day and I was their ideal? For me, it doesn't seem so. But I guess it could be.

I have a new favorite song. It is called Cigarettes (ironic b/c I HATE cigarettes!!) It is by The Wreckers - it is Michelle Branch and some other female that have crossed over to country. It is a great CD. Here is why it is my new favorite:

"Someday, maybe somebody will love me like I need. Someday, I won't have to prove, because somebody will see, all my worth, but until then I'll do just fine on my own."

The key word is maybe. You know, it is a distinct possibility that I will be the first person that graduated from ACU in the century of its history to never get married. I know it would send shockwaves through the rank and file of the alumni, but I could just be the person to do it. My problem is how do I figure out if I want to get married because I think I am supposed to want to get married or if I really do want to. Because there are many days when that is the last thing I want. I would love to have a best friend. And I know I like being affectionate with someone. A more important question is why do I care at 10:30 on a Monday when I SHOULD BE STUDYING!! So, I am going to have to shelve this topic. At least until it's relevant. Because it's not like I am in danger of having to make a decision on this matter. Maybe it really comes down to wanting a pair of arms. And it's only an issue because I could really use a hug. But I have lots to be thankful for. And I have lots to study for.